I have so many love stories in my past. All starting out with all consuming happiness, too many of them ending with overwhelming sadness and an endless pile of questions with answers I don't really like. Quite often, when falling out of love the truth sucks. The road is paved with meaning, but surrounded by confusion and I feel like I am learning to walk for the first time. What was the point? Is there any point at all? Is this the time to stop or the time to try harder?
Can I keep going and keep from going crazy?
With mixed feelings I revisit extreme emotions of my past - everything spiced up with new perspective under the current moon. And I cannot pretend to be untouched. I am being tossed around by the unmerciful faith of my memories. Through valleys so deep, that they contain all other depth and over mountains so high, that cocaine would fail to wake up in the morning. I have tried, hoped, believed, fought, dared and done it all over again. And then once more. I have won and lost, on repeat and never found a balance between the two.
Am I really winning if it feels like I'm loosing myself?
I hate the purely rational reasoning which seems to take control when faith is lost. Hate is a strong word and so fitting here. Rational decisions are rarely offered a seat at my table. I care not for their comments on my cooking. I rationalize and suppress my drive to always improve without concern for my own safety. Rationale will compromise any remaining meaning, just to keep going. It's flat. There is no excitement, no lack of control, no surprise. No crazy and no insanely happy. It becomes all about just getting by.
Life and love should be more than just getting by.
Deep inside I believe in love and life. I love life and live for love. All breeds of life, all sorts of love. I hope that part of me never dies. On my way, I rely on my intuition to guide me. It is 16 times stronger than stupidity. I wonder why most still choose the latter. You know what I mean, just look around, the world is fucked, everyone knows, no one reacts. When I fail to pay attention, I loose my way. I forget until one day I wake up and wonder who I am and what the fuck I am doing. My intuition seems to get rusty, when left unused.
I have to let go to get a grip.
Intuition is always there, I know. I just need to take a deep breath - and relax. Let go of my ego induced fear. It has shown me the most beautiful outline of something bigger. Something that I know is right in all of its essence. Something so strong, it disqualifies plain and it continues to dominate my dreams, my beliefs, my actions, even when it makes me look like a fearless and lost fool. Yeah, I know, but I just don't care. I use a different bank.
I dream, I dare, I live, I love. Without hesitation.
After all these years I still chase that intuitive dream. The one where everything adds up, and where half of it isn't a lie. Why do people have such a hard time being honest. Uh, we must keep the facade. Pretend to be happy. But what is it worth if it isn't true? This intuition is true to everything I believe in. It is mutuality and equality, not because we are the same, but because we fit together like the pieces of a puzzle. We are equally important, for different reasons.
She is a women, I am a man. So beautifully different.
She is the sum of all good traits, the return on all good deeds. So who am I to question what is being asked of me. I will question everything else first. I am crazy about her, crazy without her, but am I really the crazy one. Lottery tickets looks different to different people. There is no bigger price than winning your own dream. I play my own lottery, I make my own rules, I know the risk. Anything for just 5 more minutes of freedom.
Is bravery perhaps just stupidity in a fancy dress?
The irrational has become the only rational option, because up is down and left is just as wrong as right. There are no conclusions to be made, as they will all be based on experiences that no longer apply. Is this moment green or red? Who knows and does it even matter? How did I become so brave and why am I wearing this silly dress? One day I hope to prove the skeptics wrong but that is not the point. When my replay occurs it will be worth watching.